spoon

Love and Ego

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Love is blind.

This is one of the stupidest statements I’ve ever heard.

If something makes you blind, you can’t call it ‘love,’ can you?

After looking at the title of this post, some of you might be thinking that love and ego are antonyms. I beg to differ. They go hand in hand.

If one isn’t utterly selfish, he can’t love anybody truly and honestly. To be selfish, one must first have a ‘self.’ And having a true self is not easy.

A selfish man is the one who isn’t concerned with others in any primary matter. His wishes, desires and dreams aren’t guided by others. He doesn’t need the approval of others. He doesn’t need the assurance of others that he is good, that his work is good. He lives for himself. He loves himself. He respects himself. This is why I say that only an utter egotist can love somebody honestly. If a person cannot respect himself, he can neither love nor respect others. So there is nothing called selfless love. And anything which is selfless is rotten, let alone love.

I often hear things like, “I can do ANYTHING for my girl,” “I have given my heart and soul to my boy,” etc. But giving one’s soul is the easiest thing in the world. Keeping it with oneself is difficult.

Let me narrate you an incident that took place some months ago. I was sitting in a coffee shop, waiting for my friend. A few tables away from me, a boy of my age was sitting, reading a book. Some time later, a drop dead crazy gorgeous girl walked into the coffee shop and to my envy she went and sat in front of the reading boy. Well, the boy said ‘hi,’ in a nonchalant way, and she apologized for coming late. The boy said it wasn’t a problem since he had his book for the company. Then our heroine got angry all of a sudden and said to him that she deliberately came late in order to know whether he was worried about her or not. She then mouthed some imprecations and walked out of the coffee shop furiously. And I was not jealous anymore, not because she walked out on the boy, but because I was happy for not having a person like her in my life. Let beauty be damned, I don’t want a bimbo for a lover.

This is what we get to see everywhere. The girl wears her boyfriend as her badge and the boy keeps his girlfriend as his champion’s trophy. And they call it love. True romantic love is only possible to people of unimpeachable self esteem. Now where was the girl’s self esteem in the above example?

One of the biggest fallacies is that love is a matter of heart and not the mind.

Let me tell you something: love is related to mind, and not heart in any way. It is NOT independent of reason and one cannot love anyone without being rational; it is a subject of values and only a rationally selfish man with the highest self esteem is capable of love, because it is only he who can hold his convictions and values firmly. If he cannot value himself, he cannot value others, and eventually cannot love anybody. Such is the nature of love. It is thus an expression of your highest values, and the greatest gift you receive for your chosen actions, your character of the highest kind, for the joy he/she receives from you through your virtues. It is definitely not blind, because it sees a lot.

Love is devoid of any pity or sympathy, contempt, self-sacrifice and compromise. These things never exist between people who are equal, and love can only exist between equals.

In love, there can only be reverence and glory.

A woman, in spite of being brilliant, leaves her job to take care of her family. Now this is not a compromise in any way, because her family comes above everything else. Her first priority is her family and not her job. She is doing it for her own happiness and for the love of her husband and children. She is utterly selfish and completely virtuous. On the contrary, if she places her job above her family and still gives it up, then it would be a compromise. And it is definitely not virtuous. It’s like saying, ‘Schedule your priorities. Don’t prioritize your schedules.’

If a man’s wife is suffering from a deadly disease and he spends all his money for her treatment and also leaves his job to take care of her at home, it is again not a compromise. He does it because he is an egotist. He can’t be happy if something happens to his wife. His wife comes above everything else. He does it for himself. He does it for his love for her.

Now, let me tell you what a compromise is.

A boy wants to go on a trip with his friends and have some fun. But his girlfriend doesn’t want him to go, because she wants him to be with her. He is cognizant of the fact that she is not sick, or depressed in anyway, but simply wants him to be with her. He succumbs and stays with her. He is unhappy for missing the trip, but he doesn’t show it. He doesn’t want her to know that he is unhappy, and he does it under the pretence of his so-called love for her. And this is called a compromise, which is certainly not virtuous. Compromise is a negative term, and not positive. What the boy did for his girlfriend is not love, but rotten dick-headedness. Anyone who compromises is a brute.

When a boy asks his girlfriend to change, say, a particular personality trait, her dressing style, her hair style, her friend circle, or anything else, she does it blindly, without a process of thinking. She thinks that giving up something (something that defines her identity) for him is 'love.' But only she doesn't know that it is not love, but slavery.

The biggest crime in the world, folks, is not murder, or extortion, or fraud, or rape, but having self-pity. All the other crimes I mentioned start from this single crime itself.

When a relationship ends in an awful way, some get into a state of melancholy and it is quite normal. They share it with their close ones, not to gain sympathy, but they just want to get it out of their systems. They never make any fuss about it, but deal it with dignity.

There are others who belong to another category: they start pitying themselves and start advertising their misfortunes, everywhere, with everyone (even with total strangers). They expect others to say that they are good and their exes are scumbags. They need ASSURANCE from OTHERS that everything is going to be all right. Their self esteem is breached, they start enjoying the attention they are getting from their sympathizers, and eventually they start enjoying that pain. Technically speaking, they become masochists. And masochism is a disease.

It’s people like these who are incapable of loving anyone, people without self esteem, people without integrity. These are the kind of people that always need others to guide their actions; their lives depend on others’ judgments. They never ask, ‘Am I correct?’ but all they ask is, ‘Am I correct in others’ eyes?’ Others’ opinions about them and their work matter a lot to them than their own. I agree sometimes some relationships do not work, and it causes some pain. But pain is not the reason to suspend the faculty of independent judgment. Pitying oneself is not going to get one anywhere. When a man starts having self-pity, he starts destroying himself. And how can a self-destructing man love anyone?

Now you understand why one needs to have an ego in order to have the capability of loving. Anything done for personal happiness is good (provided it doesn’t cause any disturbance, pain or embarrassment to others) and anything done to please others, no matter who they are, is despicable. It is slavery.

When I see a man looking at the sky, enjoying the cosmic beauty, with his head thrown back, it is the sight of the uplift of his head that fascinates me more than all that heavenly glory. But I get sick of that same uplift of head when I see him kneeling down in front of a girl, beseeching to accept his love. Love? Sorry, wrong usage of the word here.

So where does true love come from?

It can only come from a self-sufficient ego.

Now I would like to ask a question to all those Lailas and Majnoos that say, ‘I can do ANYTHING for my boy/girl’: Where is your ‘I’?


*********


I humbly wish you all have lovers, and not girlfriends/boyfriends. Hope you get my drift.

P.S. Having said the things I firmly believe in, I might still write funny stories where boys behave in a silly way in front of girls. But that would just be for pure fun and entertainment.


Copyright © Karthik 2009


Comments (56)

Hii nice reading was like.. a echo, me speaking to myself, Have to say there are some technical problems when we put this thought in to practical way, some thing go void, and some gets nil value When you try to balance some emotions and feelings while you are feeling it and when u r not feeling it .. :P

Totally accept with you about self-pity......nice words regarding priorities......

To put my thoughts about egotism, I actually believe that sacrifice is a highly overrated word, ppl sacrifice for love, for charity, for community etcetera because they gain personal gratification doing so........which is obviously better than from some knife-wielding/gun-trotting psyco who achieves the same thru a totally different route ;)

well putting it in briefly, it is a nice post!

Well, Nice one Karthik! Thats what the truth is. Self love is the highest love everyone has and that "Self" is nothing but Ego. It all depends on how people analyse it and individual perceptions. And the saying "Life is a compromise" doesnt go without any meaning!

@ GOD
Glad you agree with this. And regarding practical problems, I can only say HOW you lead your life is extremely important. On what codes? On what standards? You can either live or die, right? There is no middle. Compromising is dying. As simple as that.
Thanks for dropping by. Keep visiting.

Serious thoughts,serious stuff!
The way you gave examples to make your point clear was brilliant.
Egoisim and Love...2 things that still remain a mystery to me.
still introspecting.....
Archana.

@ Mural
Nice to know our frequency matches, man.
I specifically didn't use the word 'Sacrifice,' because it would've then become a lengthy post.
Now that you've brought it up, lemme add a word or two. Sacrifice is a rotten word. Self-sacrifice is the most wretched action. Have you listened to the talks of people who do charity work? They say that relieving the
sufferings of others is virtuous. Now the thing is they expect others to suffer so that they can help them and be virtuous themselves. Hopeless!
'Sacrifice' is the surrender of a greater value for the sake of a lesser one or of non-value. Things like sacrifice and altruism destroy a man completely.

Thanks a lot for your views on this.

@ sihys
You are absolutely right. Self love is the highest form of love.
"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." - Oscar Wilde

Thanks for commenting. And by the way, I tried to access your profile, but to no avail. Do something about it and let me visit your blog.

very nice karthik..loved it..believe me i have been thru that phase as well where perhps i lost ma identity..presently i m single yet unavailabl

Jack = EGO and Jill = LOVE. So Jack n Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water(pail of water=their collective experiences...Jack(Ego) fell down and broke his Crown(head=represents ego)and Jill(love) came tumbling after... =>If ego crashes and a person loses self respect then he/she can never do any justice to the love/relationship they are in! But mind you the EGO should not bloat so much so that all that the person can see is SELF. Ego=Good but Bloated Ego=Dangerous!!

so if i love myself .. only then i can truly love someone else ..while not creating a void of unsatisfaction ..

Interesting thoughts .... n i kind of agree :)

"If one isn’t utterly selfish, he can’t love anybody truly and honestly."

very nicely said!

liked the post.

Infact everyone should forward this post to their so called GF/BFs!

drop in some time to
http://stuffilearnttoday.blogspot.com/

wow..i always like the way u write.. frankly! lot f new words n all those.. but my all time fav is abt hitler n enigmatic heaven...simply wow!
this post s not up to tat level compared to those.. :)

hey can u consider givin the text color 'gray' instead f 'white'? i think it wud b more pleasant for 'black' background... :)

Wow this is some analysis on love and ego.You have some strong views on the subject.Interesting post.

I have made the necessary corrections, you can access my blog n profile!

@ Raksha
Firstly, ego doesn't crash unless you want it to. Secondly, no one can take away your self-respect if you do not give it to them. Again, you don't lose it unless you want it to. Not giving away your self, at any cost, is called EGO. So if you don't have a self/ego, you don't have the capability of loving. And finally, Raksha, there is nothing called bloated-ego. Only EGO in its purest sense.
(Feel free to argue and discuss more)

@ Naveen
You got it right, dude. Glad you agree. :)

@ Saurabh
I'm happy you liked it, dude. And surely I'll spend some time on your blog.

@ Anoop
Thanks a million, dude. I'm happy you like my posts. :) I really appreciate your honesty.
And yes, I shall try gray colour for my next post. Thanks for the suggestion. :)

@ Angel from heaven
You are right. I have very strong views on it and I meant every word of it. Thanks for dropping by and commenting. I appreciate it.

@ sihys
On the way to your blog...

@ Archana
Yeah, kinda serious stuff.. :)
Now that I have given you an introduction to 'Love and Ego', you can do your own thinking and form an opinion. All the best!

@ Vineet
You have gone through a bad phase? Don't worry, man. We fall so that we can rise up. Chill!

I completely disagree with a few things you mentioned. especially about selflessness.

But then, I also firmly agree with a lot more things you said...made me think a lot...good one :)

Cheers
CRD

I agree Karthik. Ego doesn't fall unless you want it to.
What I meant by bloated EGO is the thin line that separates Egoism & EgoTism. The difference between the two may be an extra T in the latter but that is in literal sense. Let's dig a little deeper
Egoism:-
1.Solipsism:Belief that only one's self exists, or that only the experiences of one's self can be verified.
2.Psychological egoism:The doctrine that holds that individuals are motivated by self-interest
3.Ethical egoism:The ethical doctrine that holds that individuals ought to do what is in their self-interest.
4.Rational Egoism:Meaning what is 'right' for the self.Here,there are 2 determining factors a)Reason b)Person both vary & are circumstantial.
This is about Ego/Egoism

EgoTism is defined as 'exaggerated' sense of self-importance that is unwarranted. This is what I call bloated Ego.
Eg:-
->Self Ego = Self Esteem/respect = I believe in myself so, I can make the relationship work.
->Egotism = bloated/exaggerate self = I'm a killer. NOBODY ELSE can make the relationship work like I can do.
This is my perception.Phew!! Over fed with info?! :P I prefer discussion to argument.High adrenalin level won't help in reasoning ;)

An extremely interesting and different take on the matter... I was somehow reminded of Ayn Rand and the concept of love she portrays in Fountainhead,Atlas Shrugged and We,the living... and I find it beautiful!

I agree with your viewpoint totally... To be able to give in a relationship, you have to prove yourself worthy of both giving and taking... :D

That was a lot to digest for my simple mind. As I read along I saw truth here and there. The scripture talks about three kinds of love. One is we are friends and I like you. The second is the love a man has for a woman. The third is a true selfless love where nothing is personally gained from an action.
Selfless love is an action not a feeling. Because one might get a good feeling from an action – does that negate the possibility it could be selfless? I agree, many things we humans do are laced with selfishness. I reject that all things are self motivated.
One other angle: a person can do something just because it is the right thing to do. In cases where people do things only from self interest alone; I think that could be on the psychopath spectrum.
I challenge you to print off this post put it away and in thirty years re-read it. I am guessing some of your views might change – I could be wrong but I hope I am not.
Great post I loved your thought process and the clarity you express yourself – a rare gift. Keep at it.

i agree with you one this one...
have seen too many of the cases of these kind of 'love' around me...
good one.. but frankly i prefer your stories.. so post one soon.. will be waiting.. :)

It was "wow".
The person whom I love (mostly 'like') is in love with another girl. Yet, I like him because I like liking him.
Whatever you have told in this article is so very true.

@ CRD
I'm sure you have your reasons to disagree. Then again, it made you think? I'm happy about it then. Thanks. :)

@ Raksha
Phew! Lengthy analysis. I appreciate it. :)
Well, I didn't go with the dictionary meanings of those terms. Egoism/Egotism/etc. which come in the same line mean the same thing to me. Maybe I should've just used the term Egoism. :)
Let me explain what I meant.
An egoist/egotist/selfish person/etc. doesn't make sacrifices for others. Neither does he ask others to make sacrifices for him.
His attitude is not, 'I'm correct and you are wrong.' But simply, 'I'm correct.' He doesn't fathom himself by the codes and standards of others. He sets his own standards. He doesn't compare himself with anyone, at any cost. He doesn't take or give the undeserved. He gets his inspiration from himself, from his own spirit. He's not concerned with others in any PRIMARY MATTER. He knows his worth, he knows what he wants and tries hard to get it. He has attitude, not arrogance.
So I didn't mean the dictionary way.
And about your defn. of bloated ego: 'I'm a killer. NOBODY ELSE can make the relationship work like I can do.' As I said, an egoist's attitude is not, 'NOBODY ELSE can make the relationship work like I do,' but simply 'I can make it work.' No comparisons what so ever. Hope you get my point this time.
By the way, I felt good to know that you prefer discussion to argument. :)
This was a nice discussion. :)

@ Grayquill
First of all, Sir, thank you so much for reading and commenting. :)
I agree with you to some extent. I've focused on only Romantic love in the post. I quite disagree with the psychopath spectrum you mentioned. I dint mean self interest in a negative way. For eg. I want to listen to Bonjovi with full volume on my stereo. That is my self-interest. I love it, I enjoy it. It doesn't make me a psychotic. But if it disturbs my neighbors and I still continue listening with full volume, then I'd become a psychotic, or worse, I'd be a sadist. So I didn't mean that. What I meant was, whatever you do for your personal happiness is good, provided it doesn't disturb, annoy, or cause problems to others in any way.
Well, as you said, I will read this again after some years. :)
Keep visiting my blog, Sir. It feels great to have you here. :)

P.S. Kindly read my reply (above) to my fellow blogger. I think I've made my point clear there.

@ Akansha
Welcome to Eloquence Redefined. Glad to know you agree with me. :)
And I bet you were reminded of Ayn Rand. :D
It took me some years to analyze and understand and form my own opinions on her views. Now I exactly know what I want and what I'm talking about. :)

@ Tanmaya
Thank you. And yes, I'll post a story soon. :)

@ Nethra
Glad you agree with me. And all the very best!

Ayn Rand fan?

As I was about to click on a bloglink named "Eloquence Redefined" on my reading list...I knew it's going to be one post man..

I couldn't have agreed with you more..The girl wears her boyfriend as her badge and the boy keeps his girlfriend as his champion’s trophy..And they call it love...
Damn them who say this is love...

How peole confuse love with slavery...anything which forces you to perform a task you never intended to do or u never wanted to do or hinders your path whenever you are about to do something that you love to do...will choke you to death..be it a relationship in that case....n foolish people still say it's love...how can't they understand this simple fact...

But still I maintain that some ego in a relationship is ok...but if a relationship is based on pure egoistic terms...n if your ego becomes bigger than your lover then the relationship can't survive for long...

pretty neat write up...you have covered almost all the points...one point I would have liked to see here - and that is cowardice...many people maintain a relationship or break a relationship due to this reason...I maybe wrong, this might be irrelevant, but I have seen this happening...btw, are you by any chance an Ian Rand fan?

@ Aditya
No. I am not. It's just that I agree with most of the things she has said.

@ Anima
Long time no see. Welcome back! :)
Well, I'm glad you agree with me.
And when I said egoism, I meant CONSTRUCTIVE egoism, not destructive.
Kindly read my replies to my fellow bloggers (Raksha and Grayquill). I've made myself clear there. You'll know what I meant.

@ Neha
You are absolutely right. You aren't wrong and it is not irrelevant. Cowardice is also one of the reasons as well.

And I don't call myself a fan of anybody, let alone Ayn Rand. I've read almost everything she has written and I agree with 90% of the things she has said.

"I don't call myself a fan of anybody, let alone Ayn Rand."

the egotist speaks...good to see you follow what u say :)

That one on my blog... it is Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged, D'Antonio, right? Sorry, I have to put it here... can't find another place :-s

Are you on fb btw? :-w

@ Neha
Ha ha.. :)
Well, if I follow Ayn Rand blindly, I'd be violating her own philosophy, right? :D No point in reading Ayn Rand then.. :)

@ Akansha
Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged, yes. But not Francisco D'Anconia. It's the owner of a small cigarette shop saying to Miss Dagny Taggart. :D

fb? Did you mean facebook?
No. I'm not there on facebook. :(

one of your best posts I have read..
a bold one..
made me re-think about about my own theories..
great going..
taje a bow!!

@ Rahul
Hey, man. What a damn good co-incidence! I just read the opening chapter of your novel and commented. Great going there. :)

And about my post, I'm really glad it made you think. Thanks!

I liked your example of a psychopath. I am sure not one.
Your comment cleared up several misconceptions. - Thanks

You are most welcome, Sir. And thanks to you too.

Heya, Just got to your blog and I'm kinda glad I did...
... It was good but there were lot of things that scuffed my mind and made me think real hard, especially when it came on the offensive side of people who're making compromises... I was going through your long lists of comments and I agree with the grayquill for things done at times just because they're the right thing to do.

A lot of hypothetical situations and I agree to the most part when it comes to bimbo stories... (and laugh, of course), but then again, sometimes you've gotta do what you've gotta do! nice ideology man! keep it up!

@ Yan
Hey, dude, welcome to Eloquence Redefined. :)
Well, if you have to give up something for your loved ones, it is completely moral and virtuous. That wouldn't be a compromise as I have clearly explained in the post with a few examples. But if you surrender a greater value for the sake of a lesser one or of non-value, then it would be called as hypocrisy.
And about doing the right thing: the basic question is, right thing by what codes? by what standards? or by whose standards? yours or others'? If it is the latter, then it would be hypocrisy again. If it is the former, then it is definitely virtuous. You do something and if it doesn't make you unhappy, if it doesn't take away your identity and self esteem, then it is certainly the right thing.
Hope you get my drift. :)
Thanks for sharing your views. I appreciate it. Keep visiting! :)

With utmost satisfaction, i would like to inform you that this post of yours has been selected as a suiting piece to honor my newly installed wall of fame.
So, I would like you to take out some of your precious time and gimme a small writeup introducing this post in about 40-50 words to mail address:rahul938@gmail.com
I would also appreciate it if you could nominate some more posts(including yours) which can be pinned up on my wall.

yours truly
RSV

Sure I'll do.

a helluva article this one!!:)
"I don’t want a bimbo for a lover."
lol:P:P

wish ppl cud jus stop n understand wat love is rather than scurrin behind guys/gals just for the heck of bein INTO A RELATIONSHIP! thats sad..
ya post reminds me of an article i wrote looong back...


http://divsispace.blogspot.com/2008/03/four-letter-wordlove.html

cheerz!

divsi - it feels good to know that you agree with me. Will surely read your post on 'Love.'
Keep visiting! Thanks! :)

:-) What you quoted here is true. I loved this line - "The girl wears her boyfriend as her badge and the boy keeps his girlfriend as his champion’s trophy. And they call it love."

Most of the so called true love ends up just being fake. And yes, doing "anything" are all just waxing eloquence...anyone in jeopardy; he/she would first try and save themselves.

Good write up, but lengthy..:) Do you always write such long posts? Have lot of time in your hands!! I am envious

It's a pleasure to know that you agree with me. :-)
You are right. Most of it ends up being fake. But the funny thing is that they don't realize it and don't bother. So one more phrase pops up - 'Moving on.' Moving on is good, but then the same old 'I-can-do-anything-for-you' things repeat. Silly!

Well, yes. My posts are usually lengthy. Can't help it. Always need a few extra words to make my point. :-)

I will just say one thing. It was like reading Fountainhead once again.
Beautiful post........

Ok.. A totally different and bold take on the topic...and lucidly stringed together... but i still feel some relations drawn are illogical ..
"But I get sick of that same uplift of head when I see him kneeling down in front of a girl, beseeching to accept his love. Love? Sorry, wrong usage of the word here" ..
Dude..itz becoz the guy is utterly selfish and egoistic ..he bends and lifts his head up and begs for the 'so called love' [even if doesn't matter whether he actually loves her or not].. so that he doesn't stay alone through out his life.. So..according in accord to your take .. he is trying to be selfish!and hence taking the pain of doing all the melodrama :) ..

We are all scared of the fact that we might end up single if we don't grab an ass in due time!! .. and are selfish bums..

@ mainaksankarmaiti,
Welcome to Eloquence Redefined.
Glad to know you agree with me. I've been deeply influenced by Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged.
Thank you so much. Keep visiting.

@ Bunny,
Welcome to Eloquence Redefined.
Lol.. :D Funny you should say that. Dude, that's not to be taken literally. It's just a figure of speech. On the contrary, I still am against kneeling in front of somebody, let alone a gorgeous damsel.
Anyways, thanks. Keep visiting. :)

Well Well Well.... There I find some rationalism...

It is rationalism, isn't it?

Hey

This is the most rational and logical I have ever read on the most over rated topic in this world "Love"

and needless to say.. I agree.

but masochism isn't really a disease. True it is a sort of personality disorder but it comes from being a rebel, which is in a way trying to save your 'self' from the society and others who don't agree with you. So is Sadism.

And have read a few more stories here.. totally love them. You have an amazing skill to create the tension.

They draw you in.

Niti

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Malgudi Days
As The Crow Flies
Swami and Friends
The Devil's Alternative
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The Godfather
The Seven Minutes
The Prize
Atlas Shrugged
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If Tomorrow Comes
Digital Fortress
The Chancellor Manuscript
The Bourne Supremacy
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The Fist of God
The Fourth Protocol
The Odessa File
The Day of the Jackal


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